Changes, changes, changes...

Some of this post is venting, some of it is explaining and some of it is soundboarding. Read or don't read, contribute or don't contribute, as you see fit.

As you may have noted, of late my warlock blog has become a little less warlock themed and a little more alt-themed, with my posts ranging from random game minutia to paladins to shaman to priest to warlock to bear to quests to trivia to etc.

As such, I'm contemplating changing the title of my blog. Still at kdots since, why not, but a different title page than 'More dots!'.

I just don't know what I'd change it to! More alts! More alts! just doesn't have the same ring to it, imnsho.

Other changes that may be in the air is I'm contemplating retiring as an officer in my guild. Right now, I'm basically just a guild-invite program. And that doesn't seem fair to the other officers. I have given to my guild, ideas, time, effort, and I'm contemplating taking some time to just be me and play the game, without worrying about leveling this character for the guild, but instead leveling my character for me.

I already feel very guilty that my retribution paladin is level 79 and my next highest is my restoration shaman at 73. My tank(s) hasn't(haven't) been touched. My 'main stream' DPS classes haven't really been touched either. Yet I can't find it in myself to level them right now. And I hate feeling guilty for it. I'm not the only officer, nor am I the only officer leveling a DPS as opposed to a tank or healer, but me being me... being raised Roman Catholic with a heavy dose of Italian Grandma... I can't help but wince and wonder when people are going to pounce on me and say, "Why are you leveling THAT? You're going to go prot/holy with her, right? You surely aren't staying RET, right?!" and that is exactly what I am going to do - stay retribution with my paladin.

I'm having too much fun enjoying the game with Kvasira, and then I feel guilty for it. That isn't how I want to play, y'know? My paladin started ret. Has been ret. And will stay ret.

And I want to stop feeling guilty about who I play and who I take to instances and who I sign up to go on raids with.

I started Guild Event Days for the guild and organized several of them, but then people stopped showing up and I lost interest in trying to organize something for people who didn't show up. Another officer has taken over running GED's, and I'm glad because they are an awesome idea for a friend-oriented guild and I'd hate for my apathy for anything officer-related to kill a great idea.

I used to help organize raids, but I stopped that a while back, for a variety of reasons, and haven't started it yet again. Granted, the only raids we could do would be the old 10-mans in BC and Classic, but I still have no interest in trying to organize it. Figuring out who to take, why to take them, why to have someone go as someone else, trying to balance raid utility and classes and this and that and blah blah blah. I don't want to do it anymore.

I tend to be a bossy person, especially in something I feel I do well. I think I have a good handle on people and their abilities and I put out an expectation and I find that usually people live up to that expectation. And I feel that given those things, how well I do things, the effort I put into things, that my opinion should count for something.

The downside to my personality is that when I have my face rubbed in the fact that I'm a bossy person, I get horrified. I wasn't raised to be a bossy person. I was raised to be a good little Catholic Italian girl and wash the dishes and do the laundry and keep my mouth shut when other people are talking so I don't hurt their feelings with my own inconsequential thoughts. Now, I say that and I tell you that my parents did not realize they were raising me that way, and undoubtedly would be horrified if they realized that I equated my upbringing with that outcome, and then they'd laugh at the mere thought that I came out that way (because I didn't), but I still know that's the way I should be.

So I get horrified, my opinion made to be less than I thought it was worth, and I go crawl into a hole made of my own shattered self-esteem, pride and emotions. It's a vicious cycle. And instead of scaling back my behavior, I go 180 to what I was, so instead of being bossy and authoritative about what I'm doing, I go to not participating much at all.

Such is me.

Such happened to me not too long ago. I did what my bossy opinion told me was the right thing to do, based on what I knew about the game, the mechanics involved, etc, etc, and it blew up in my face.

So poof, I go to not organizing anything.

So, I don't organize, I don't participate except to say 'I'll go as whatever' and I do nothing except feel guilty about shirking my self-imposed leveling duties.

So I ask myself, "Why am I an officer? Is it a rank thing? So I can say 'I'm an officer!'"

What is power without responsibility? I'm not abusing my power, but I'm not doing anything with it either. Is it still then appropriate for me to be an officer? Or worse, am I an officer for no other reason than time spent in the guild and the sheer amount of alts that I have?

I'm not saying anyone did this, but my paranoia can't help but say...

"Make K an officer, so this way we can tap any of her alts we want to have come, rather than waiting for her to offer it herself."

In other news, my warlock has not moved much in the last little bit, and I've fallen far behind the raiding guild requirement of level 80 by December 1st. I don't think they CARE that she isn't level 80, but I don't feel comfortable keeping her in a raiding guild if I'm not planning on raiding with her anytime really soon. Yet more of the 'if I'm sitting in there taking up a spot (not that a virtual spot takes much room anyway), I should be doing what is expected. So if I'm not doing what is expected, maybe I should not be there.'

We're going on vacation for the holidays starting the 22nd until New Years Eve. Honestly, I can't wait for the break. Not that I'm not enjoying the heck out of the expac, but I think I need to take some time and evaluate where I want to go with the game, where I find myself going and what I want to do next.

And damnit, I need an epic flying mount on my paladin. Boon spends most of our in-flight time zooming circles around me and making train noises.